Stupid Again
by Diona Christei
Summary: She wasn't sure how she'd let it happen again. Rachel knew from experience that he didn't want to be with her...not really. That didn't stop her from closing her eyes tight and pretending that for a night he did. He'd done it to her again...she never stopped him and he didn't know. Unfortunately that wouldn't be the case much longer.


**A/N: Hi guys, I honestly don't even know who reads Glee Fics anymore. I don't mind that no one does but this has been banging around in my head for the past year or more. I had to get it on paper or screen, as it were. **

**That being said, this is extremely AU and not a future fic. Well not in the beginning...who knows where this is going to wind up going. **

**Another thing I feel I have to touch on because you can't have glee without Puck and it pains me to have to do so is this: I DO NOT AGREE WITH THE CHOICES THAT MARK SALLING MADE IN HIS LIFE. THEY WERE HORRIBLE AND WITH HIS DEATH SO MUCH IS LEFT UNANSWERED AND THE PEOPLE THAT SUPPLIED HIS ADDICTION ARE STILL OUT THERE SUPPLYING OTHERS AND VICTIMS ARE LEFT WITHOUT COMPENSATION AND STILL VICTIMS IN A HORRIBLE SEX MARKET. **

**HOWEVER AS I HAVE SAID, I CAN NOT HAVE GLEE WITHOUT PUCK. NOR COULD I HAVE THIS STORY WITHOUT PUCK. Therefore, I HAVE TO SAY THAT MARK SALLING WAS HIS OWN MAN. NOAH PUCKERMAN IS A CHARACTER CREATED BY THE SHOW'S CREATORS. THEY ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON AND I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU READ THE STORY AS A GLEE STORY AND NOT AS A MARK SALLING SUPPORT STORY I DIDN'T KNOW HIM SO ANY SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THE CHARACTER AND ACTOR ARE COINCIDENTAL. **

**IN OTHERWORDS: I DON'T WANT TO READ A REVIEW ABOUT HOW HORRIBLE HE WAS AS A PERSON, OR HOW HORRIBLE I AM AS A PERSON FOR WRITING ANY TYPE OF PUCK RELATED STORY. KEEP THAT TO YOURSELF PLEASE. I AM DEVASTATED THAT SUCH AN ICONIC STORY HAS A HORRIBLE STIGMA ATTACHED TO IT. **

**Now with semantics and such out of the way...please enjoy.**

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**Chapter one: Stupid Again**

There are many things in life that aren't certain, but at this moment there were a few things that Rachel Berry was quite certain of.

One, she was definitely a masochist. She seemed to love the pain that just being herself brought with it.

Two, she was an idiot. Something she'd demonstrated time and again.

Three, she was tired of crying...she'd spent the last three years crying and she wasn't going to do it anymore.

A sharp bang on the bottom of the door caused her to jerk her head from her hands wiping the last tears off of her reddened face.

Usually it would swing open after that warning bang.

She'd forgotten that she'd locked it for that very reason. She just needed a moment, something she didn't get very often anymore.

Still she just sat looking at the door for another moment until another jiggle of the knob and the tell tale sniffles reached her ears. That was her cue, so standing from her spot on the floor she straightened her outfit doing a once over in her mirror as she went.

"One second." she called. Splashing water on her face attempting to cool it hoping the redness would disappear.

One more knock and she was ready, pulling the door open just as a blue sippy cup connected with her thigh.

"Eli, How many times have I told you that sippy cups go in the kitchen?" she said raising an eyebrow at the owner of the cup.

"Sorry" he said looking to the ground, his bottom lip poking out a little.

It was the cutest thing that Rachel had ever seen.

"Not in trouble, just remember next time."

"Grandpa sent me to get you."

"Nuh uh...Grandpa sent me." said the identical little boy standing next to Eli.

"Nuh uh."

"Uh huh."

"Eli and Ezra." Rachel said hands on her hips.

"Sorry." the said in unison.

"Did you eat?"

"Panny Cakes." Eli said with a grin. She smiled back at him, he certainly smelled like syrup.

"Pancakes." Rachel corrected

"Yep those. It's time for school." said Ezra.

Rachel had to stop a chuckle from escaping her lips at Ezra's response. She had made sure that baby talk was kept to a minimum having read that children pick up speech patterns early and she'd wanted her boys to be little gentlemen and able to speak up for themselves as best they could. But Ezra for all of his two year old genius still reminded her of his father. It was so surreal because he'd never even met him but he shared so many social mannerisms. Mixed with the fact that they had a few more of his facial features than they had of hers tended to scare her.

"Come on boogers let's go. If you are good then you get a poppy for snack." she said with a smile.

"Yay." they said clambering up her legs one settling on her back and the other settling on her hip.

"You two are getting too heavy for this."

For their part they just laughed and said "giddy up." to which she headed down the stairs.

Despite the lack of oxygen for the minute long trip she cherished these moments with her sons. The ones where they laughed and giggled and didn't fight.

"Good morning Berry Belle" said her daddy kissing the top of her head.

"Morning daddy." she said leaning into the embrace. "Where is dad?"

"He had to work early. He made you some lunch though since you didn't get up early enough to eat breakfast."

"Perfect." she said as her stomach rolled.

"Is everything okay?" he asked as she poured hot water into a cup that had a tea bag sticking out of it.

She was quiet. She didn't want to lie, nothing was okay.

"You can tell me you know. I think that's fairly certain by now."

"I know daddy." she said trying to keep the cursed tears from pooling at the base of her eyes.

He sighed causing her to look up at him. She'd never seen his face as red as it was now and she hated it. "Please tell me-" but he cut himself off unable to say it.

"I can't." she said after a while.

"I...how?"

"I don't know...I mean I know I just-"

"Are you sure."

"I wish I weren't."

"You know your father is going to lose his mind."

"I know."

God she wanted this conversation to be over, the resolve that she made to never cry again was being tested heavily at the moment.

"Maybe you should let me tell him."

That was new. "What?"

"He isn't going to be able to look at you. I can barely look at you but you are my little girl. I am so mad right now...you had so much potential."

"Potential i still have daddy." she said with a frown.

"Do you realize that you are going to graduate with children. Just picking up and moving to New York isn't realistic. Am I right in assuming you are going to keep this one too?"

She nodded numbly, after the first time she couldn't make herself even contemplate ending it.

"We have to tell him this time."

"How do you know it's his?"

"Because you aren't a stupid girl. I know that there was a reason you went to him the first time and there is a reason you went to him this time."

Of course he was right. There was always a reason, she just didn't know or didn't want to acknowledge what it was.

"He'll hate me."

"That no longer matters. You need to prepare for the fact that this won't turn out like you want it to."

"You don't think-"

"I don't know but it's not just you now, you can't just hope that it will be okay you have to take steps to make sure that no matter what those boys are secure. Tell you what, grab some clothes and things and I'll pay for a room for you guys for the night. Because even if I can convince him that everything will be okay, he isn't going to be ready to look at you."

"How can he hate me so easily."

"It's not hate Rachel, it's disappointment. From the moment we found someone to carry you...we had all of these hopes and dreams for you. It's hard enough when you realize that eventually your child may come to realize that your dreams for them isn't their dream for themselves but then to learn that they have also made things harder on themselves and realizing that you can't be as mad as you want to be because you love them so damn much...it's heartbreaking."

"You want to be mad at me?"

"I want to be mad at you...i want to be mad for you...i just want to be mad but what would any of that solve? You are still my daughter...you will be my daughter whether your name is in lights or not. But your father isn't as level headed as I am. He never has been."

For the first time in her life she could understand that logic. She had two sons and could actually put herself in her parents shoes when she thought about them telling her that they were going to be fathers. She could understand the anger too, she loved them but every moment of free time was devoted to them even those moments that were dictated by her dreams and the requirement that she had to be in school were all about making the best future for them. Nothing was about her anymore and it was the source of resentment and regret at times and then...remorse for feeling that way about her own flesh and blood. Which restarted the cycle of emotion meanwhile knowing that she wouldn't change a thing having fallen so deeply in love with the rascals that were her children.

"I understand."

"I suppose you would now wouldn't you?"

"I'm sorry."

"I know, for what it's worth you are taking this on very well and I'm proud of you I'm just worried that you will eventually break and-"

"You won't be there to put me back together?" she supplied.

"Exactly."

"I am too." she whispered.

Leroy grabbed her and pulled her into a bone crushing hug as his tears spilled onto the top of her head.

That was all it took to break her resolve...a whole 45 minutes after making it...as she cried into his chest in a way that she hadn't cried since she found out that she was going to be a mother...the first time.


End file.
